Anxiety and Loneliness: The Realities of a Child of a First Responder During the Covid Crisis

Picture this. It is 7:00 pm, a time known by many parents as the “witching hour”, a time when bedtime routines should be completed and when most children under the age of five years old should be asleep or almost asleep. For parents, it may mean a chance at a small respite, maybe some time to catch up on some Netflix episodes while eating from a tub of ice cream (shh…, don’t tell the kids!). It may mean, for some couples, a chance to spend some quality time together, to connect after a long day. During our new reality of social isolation, this alone time, even if it means dozing on the couch, is crucial for parents’ mental health and wellbeing and works to fortify relationships. For families that are dealing with spouses in the emergency or essential services, 7:00 pm looks a lot different.

Our family’s schedule has always been unlike the average, nine-to-five family. As a first responder who works shift work, my husband works long hours and rotates between night shifts and day shifts. In order to necessitate our lifestyle, and in order to ensure that I am at home with our first born who has high needs, we have had to come to terms with extra shifts and less time as a family unit. It is hard, even on a normal day.

Resources run low, tanks run dry.

During a crisis like the one we are in now, my husband has been working what seems like non-stop and in an environment that is much different than the one he was used to. Though work has slowed down thanks to social distancing measures, stress levels on all fronts are higher for obvious reasons. After a day of dealing with the public and with policies, by 7:00 pm, there isn’t much left for him to give.

As a wife of a shift worker and as a primary care provider of an exceptional child, I can also say that my days are long. Being alone with two children while on social isolation, all while being four months pregnant, puts a strain on my mental and physical reserves. I feel tired, stretched to the max and, yet, feel the constant pull of my regular responsibilities nagging at my heels. It can be hard to keep up. By 7:00 pm, I’ve checked out and am ready to go to sleep. I want to stay up and have alone time with my husband but I just can’t. My exhaustion defeats me every time.

When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself to post a relevant article once a week, not only to work on my business, but for my own mental wellbeing. I love to write and have always found solace in the written word. However, on Monday night, had to put my own needs aside (again, you know how it is) in order to deal with my child.

It was 7:00 pm and my son was in crisis.

The three of us had had a wonderful day together. We played outside for over two hours and enjoyed a picnic lunch on our backyard park bench. We went for a stroll around our neighbourhood while baby number two napped. My son, Roman, and I talked about our dreams for baby number three. When we got home, we made cookies together and had a delicious dinner of baked salmon and rice. For a child with ADHD, it was a stellar, gold star, kind of day and, when Daddy appeared at the door at 7:00 pm, I gushed at how much fun we had together while my first born played with some dinosaurs outside while waiting in anticipation of seeing his father. Then, suddenly, it all stopped.

My son began sobbing uncontrollably over a misplaced mud puddle. He said that he didn’t want to go inside and go to bed and that his Daddy was being mean. He escalated quickly and began screaming. My husband and I both tried to ask him what was wrong but the level of his tantrum grew exponentially to the point where he started to become violent. My husband brought him into the house and into his room where he could safely tantrum while I took my daughter into another room in the house. I could hear the door shaking and rattling and could only imagine what was happening behind it.

When my second, Aurora, was effectively distracted, I made my way to my son’s room where he was still sobbing. The sentences he uttered made no sense despite our best efforts to understand. We spoke softly, tried to rub his back. Eventually, my husband couldn’t take it anymore. It was already 8:00 pm and my baby girl was long overdue to go to bed. He took her and rocked her while I took my son, still crying, down to our basement bedroom. I placed him on our king sized bed as he wept and screamed, placed his weighted blanked on him, as he covered his ears. I held back my own tears as I held him. Finally, and abruptly he stopped and said,

“I am not disappointed in Daddy. I am disappointed at the coronavirus.”

I stopped. We both took a long pause and I took a deep breath, shocked that something so eloquent came out of a three year old.

“Why are you disappointed in the coronavirus?” I asked.

“Because it is making people sick and that makes me sad. Daddy isn’t home.” Roman said it plainly as he fidgeted with his dinosaur toys.

Children with ADHD are easily aroused. They work hard, play hard…feel hard. On a good day, Roman struggles with my husband’s shift work schedule as he naturally tries to shift his own day/night schedule in order to facilitate seeing his father more often. It kind of makes the whole, average family, “bedtime routine” rather difficult to facilitate. In a world that demands more of his father, he is also feeling the demand. And it is making him sad.

Another long pause ensued as I racked my brain for the correct response. If felt the need to empower my son, to send the message that what he is feeling is normal and that he isn’t alone.

“Roman, the coronavirus is a sad thing. You’re right. Everyone is feeling sad about it right now, and that is a really hard thing to feel sometimes.” I was being honest.

He agreed, “Yes, it is.”

“But you know how we are at home by ourselves? We aren’t playing with other kids or seeing other people. That is called social distancing and, actually, you are doing an excellent job at it. By staying at home, you are helping other people stay healthy by making sure that you aren’t spreading germs. I am so proud of you for being so strong.” Ugh, this was so hard to say out loud without crying.

“Being strong means no museum.” The poor guy missed his old routine, and the special times we had together while researching his favourite dinosaurs.

“Yes, it does. The Museum of Nature is your favourite, special place, isn’t it?” I acknowledged.

“Yes, it is.”

“Do you think that once we get rid of the coronavirus that you would like to go there again?”

“Yes, I would.” He said matter-of-factly.

“In the meantime, can you remember the things that we did today to make social distancing extra special?” I hoped that he had interpreted my efforts to make the day special for him.

“We made cookies.”

“They were delicious, weren’t they? You made one with raisins AND chocolate chips in it! That was crazy!” I said.

“That was a crazy cookie!” I start to see a smile creep on his face. My shoulders released.

“And what can we do tomorrow to make it special, too?”

“Maybe we can go for a walk a talk again.”

“Ok, Roman, let’s do that.”

And, with that, he was done. His outburst was over. My husband came into the room and tried to read Roman a story but, with tears welling up in his eyes, Roman told him to go away. It saw that it hurt my husband but I understood this time.

He couldn’t see his dad in order to miss him all over again.

Roman stayed in our bed downstairs that night. He snuggled close to me and held his weighted blanket. I held his hand. It took a lot of effort for my three year old son to articulate his anxiety the way he did. I was an awe of his ability to communicate his fears of the coronavirus, of his sadness that it was hurting others and of his feelings of distance from his father, whom he looks up to so much. Sometimes, even when we are socially isolating with our immediate families, it can be easy to feel alone, especially when we struggle to communicate our feelings. During this time of need, I implore all families, and especially first responder families, and those families with young children, to check in on each other and do your best to communicate your feelings. Sometimes, all it takes is us offering a hand to hold.

#paramedic #emergencyservices #essentialworker #pandemic #covid19 #socialisolation #mentalhealth #childpsychology #healthyfamily #psychology #developmentalpsychology

COVID CRAZY: Tips for Parenting the High Energy, Exceptional Child at Home During Isolation

You've seen the Instagram posts. Beautifully rendered daily schedules promising order, tranquility and intellectual stimulation for all ages. You've read the homeschooling posts, too, all of them. You know, the ones that promise that your active child will be busy with a (full!) cup of water, a paintbrush, a chalkboard easel and some good-old-fashioned creativity. In your "spare time" (I'm laughing out loud at this), you peruse fellow parents’ haggard posts on Facebook, their posts depicting their two sweet toddlers, busying themselves while watching cartoons on a tablet...that they haven't broken...somehow. For families of extremely active children, it can be hard to relate.

But folks, I'm going to get real right now. These posts are not for us. They are quite simply not geared toward to the extreme, active, in-your-face child. Nope. Sorry. These glamorized, sterilized depictions of childhood are simply unrealistic for many children, let alone our children. What they do depict are ideas for the average child. And they may work. Most of the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. Children thrive on scheduled routines. It provides them with consistency, it lessens anxiety as it always answers the question of "What is coming next?" and it can actually decrease your workload once you get it right. Activities are key in keeping kids intellectually engaged and busy. But these one-size-fits-all methods of home schooling, these online learning platforms that expect your child to just sit still, well, it just doesn’t work for all children. It can’t. Why?

Because children are individual beings with unique characteristics and, as such, learn differently and behave differently.

It is up to parents and caregivers to adapt to the child they are given. It seems relatively obvious but, during a worldwide pandemic with limited resources, these facts can be hard to swallow and can seem downright impractical.

But there is a way around this. That is, you can parent an very active, exceptional child during a worldwide pandemic without pulling your own hair out!! When dealing with any child, but especially a child with ADD or ADHD, a highly energetic child and/or an exceptional child, it is of upmost importance to keep their bodies and minds busy. When children’s bodies are minds are engaged, they simply do not have any additional resources to get into mischief! This means that, as a caregiver, it is your responsibility to provide your children with activities that engage the entire being. Sound overwhelming? It doesn’t have to be. Below is a list of my own tried and true strategies to educate and stimulate a (very, very) active little on the home front. All it takes is a little advanced planning and an understanding that your child is going to need a little more TLC.

1. Make a Realistic, Visual Schedule.

Children with high energy levels do well with visual schedules that allow for some flexibility. When children know what is happening next, and are able to physically move a schedule to indicate what has been done and what needs to be done, they feel like they are part of the daily process and they are learning by engaging their muscle memory. In order to help your child find a routine at home, I would suggest going to the Teachers Pay Teachers website to find a printable (and oftentimes free) daily schedule that you can post on your fridge. You can customize these schedules to be as detailed as is necessary for your child. Alternatively, you can involve your child in drawing up your own. If you have a child like mine, who struggles to remember daily tasks like brushing his teeth, your schedule can say something like “Wake up” [picture of child waking]”, “Make my bed” [picture of child making bed], “brush teeth” [picture of child brushing his teeth] etc.

This strategy can be especially helpful for children who struggle with control and transitions. If your child has meltdowns easily or is into “negotiations”, an “If/When” schedule can be very helpful. For example, your visual schedule could say “If I…brush my teeth” [picture of child brushing his teeth], “I can…use my tablet for 15 minutes [picture of tablet]”. But remember, flexibility is key. If you or your child is having an off day or you see that your child needs to release some tension, change the activity. Just make sure to post a visual reminder to make sure that you and your child stay on the same page. This strategy is especially useful if your child is struggling to come to terms with a new schedule that is now outside of school.

2. Look to Pinterest…and Step It Up (Several Notches).

Pinterest can still be a great resource! There are tons of ideas out there that can be adapted to children with exceptionalities. Let’s say that you found a STEM project on Pinterest that uses baking soda, vinegar and food colouring to make mini eruptions. Now, for the average child, you would simply lay out the tinted vinegar with a tray of baking soda and tell them to go to town and have fun. You would pour yourself a cup of tea and enjoy the fifteen minutes of peaceful bliss. Ha! Not in our world!

There would still be mess but the tray probably wouldn't be launched across the room or used as a weapon. You know exactly what I mean.

For us, we need to make sure that our child is engaged fully in the activity, both body and mind, but to the extreme. Here is how you can make the same activity “high energy friendly”. Set up your child at a child-height table while standing (feet and legs are engaged in standing). Cover your child in a smock (this is going to get messy). Have your child pour the baking soda into a heavy vessel (hands are engaged, vessel cannot be easily thrown). Have them play with the baking soda with his or her hands (hands are engaged). Have your child pour vinegar into a squeeze bottle (hands are engaged, squeezing can release tension). Add a few drops of their favourite colour of food colouring yourself (your child is making an autonomous choice). Have your child squeeze vinegar into the baking soda and mix with their hands to their delight (senses are engaged, hands are engaged). Ask questions as you go (mind is engaged, social skills are being utilized). What colours can you make with the different colourants? Does the amount of vinegar play a role in the reaction? How does the mucky vinegar and baking soda mixture feel in their hands? Expect this activity to last about half of the time that is indicated on the Pinterest post then clean up, and move on to a different activity once your child’s attention span runs out.

With advanced planning, you can have several activities lined up to occupy your child. My tip? Look up any activity that involves getting messy and using your hands. Kinesthetic learning opportunities are great for children with high energy levels.

3. Get Outside!

Listen, I know how hard it can be to get outside. The gear, the tantrums, the bathroom breaks…it is really hard, especially when you have more than one child in your care. But it is SO WORTH IT.

Outdoor environments are Earth’s natural sensory bin and the great outdoors engages all children physically, mentally, socially and spiritually.

It is so good for them and so good for you! So, plan ahead for the weather and get outside! In order to make things easier, have your gear and snacks ready the night before. Dress for the weather so that everyone stays comfortable. If you have the resources, invest in gross motor activities that employ reasonable risk like a climbing wall. Let your child explore. An exceptional child is a curious child. Allow your child to jump in the puddle, squish mud between his fingers and to lick the worm (hey, my kids have done it)! Remember to engage both the body and mind. Garden, exercise, turn on the hose, and always ask engaging questions.

4. Snacks on Snacks on Snacks!

I don’t need to tell you that low blood sure and ADD/ADHD is not compatible. I also probably don’t need to tell you that a constantly moving body constantly burns calories! This means that the exceptional and energetic child needs consistent, healthy fuel to maintain a positive mood. And this means snacks. Lots of snacks. When I am going through my day with the kids, I always make sure to surreptitiously have a plate of healthy food options around the area in which they are playing. The food always gets eaten without a fuss because it is “on their own terms”. No one is forcing anyone to sit down and eat at a table, no one is halting their playing to have a snack break. They are just constantly grazing. And that makes for happy kids and a happy Mamma.

5. Release your expectations.

In a world that is completely out of control, where most parents are dealing with extreme stress, additional financial burden due to loss of employment and loss of income, and where families all over the world are dealing with physical (and emotional) isolation, it can be very easy to lose your cool with the ones that you love the most. Try to check in with yourself first. Are you feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed? Our moods can so easily be transferred onto our little ones. It is imperative that we look after ourselves so that we can look after our children. Pour yourself that cup of tea, put in earplugs and sip it hot. Allow your child to explore outdoors while you take in some fresh air yourself.

Parental burnout is real and even more so for parents of kids with exceptionalities. Look after yourself.

At the same time, it is important to realize that our children are living in the same environment as we are. Perhaps they are overhearing your conversations about loss of income, or are internalizing and trying to make sense of the new rules that come with COVID-19, like washing their hands more often and keeping socially distant. It is a mistake to think that young children do not pick up on these stressors and feel it themselves. You can expect that the majority of children are feeling a global change right now but when you take into consideration the perceptiveness of the exceptional child, well, you can imagine how emotionally sensitive they must be feeling right now.

Now is the time to release antiquated educational models such as that children learn best in school-like environments. Home isn’t school and school isn’t home. You do not need to chain your child to a desk for learning to happen. Quite the opposite, there are so many amazing learning opportunities to be had at home with family.

Play together. Learn together. It really can be that simple.

Now is also the time to allow for flexibility. If your child refuses to participate in today’s classroom Zoom call, then that is ok. If your child feels the urge to tear, hit or rip, gently guide them outside and let them tear around. If your child asks questions, answer them honestly in a language that they can understand. Acknowledge that processing takes time for children with ADD and ADHD and underlying emotions can oftentimes be masked by “bad behaviour”. Be patient with your child. Be patient with yourself. With the right tools in place, home can once again be a source of invaluable learning potential…and you can avoid going Covid crazy!

Do you have any tips or tricks in dealing with your exceptional child during this worldwide pandemic? I would love to hear from you!

#tips #socialisolation #covid19 #pandemic #adhd #mentalhealth #childpsychology #unlearning #forestschool #survivaltips

Roam Wild: My Journey as a Mother of an Exceptional Child

Sometimes, life's greatest challenges bring about life's greatest triumphs.

An Intense Baby

Three and a half years ago my world was changed forever. Every parent can relate to this feeling. It is a world-changing shift, it is something that changes you permanently and, at the same time, connects you to every other parent on the planet.

"In an instant, my heart was now outside of me, residing in a being that was beyond myself."

After I healed physically from my son’s semi-traumatic birth, and after we settled into our new normal (as defined by sleepless nights, diaper changes and tummy time), I began to wait in anticipation for the quintessential postpartum fog to lift itself off of our family so that we could continue our lives together. I got to know my baby. He was bright-eyed and persistent. He was alert and incredibly intense. I found myself wondering if all babies acted the way he did.

As the months went on, I saw myself begin to employ strategies to cope with my baby that my friends didn’t share. Rules and regulations dominated our lives. Feed him as soon as he wakes or he will scream at the top of his lungs. Rock him for an hour and a half before allowing him to fall asleep on you. Stick to the schedule or mayhem will ensue!

"Needless to say, flexibility was no longer a part of our vocabulary."

As the months went on, my beautiful baby boy became even more extreme in his behaviour. He didn’t really sleep. I was told that most babies don’t. I reminded myself of this fact when my son, at the age of eighteen months, began to drop his last nap. My husband and I tried everything. Sound machines, rocking, sleep training…there wasn’t a book or article I hadn’t read. Try harder to put him down. We tried harder. Really hard. It didn’t work.

Tornado of a Toddler

By two years old, my baby boy had grown into a walking, talking, energetic tornado of a toddler. He met and exceeded milestones. His intensity remained but his feelings now included anger and frustration. Well-meaning outsiders offered their advice: He’s just a boy! They’re all like this! Give it time. I couldn’t help myself but compare notes to other parents. Was every child this difficult? Was I overreacting? Was it me? As my son struggled to communicate his needs and regulate his emotions, he started to become violent. He was strong and he left physical bruises. Parents at playgroups began to get nervous when we arrived. My son struggled to make friends and we started to avoid socializing. By then, I had given birth to another beautiful baby, a girl, and our family was, to say the very least, in crisis mode. Our only saving grace was just how easy my daughter was. All of our focus, attention and mental reserves were tuned into our son.

Breaking Point

"When my son reached age two-and-a-half, our family broke."

I needed help. We all did. After seeing my daughter grow and develop and reach and exceed her own milestones, I saw the forest for the trees for the first time. What I was experiencing with my son was not average. He wasn’t average. For the first time, I reached out. I organized an appointment with an educational psychologist who specialized in young children. Having a background in psychology myself, I knew he was young to be seeing a specialist but desperate times called for desperate measures. At the very least, I was hoping that she could help us come up with some strategies to survive.

We made an appointment to meet with the psychologist outside in our backyard. The great outdoors was my son’s safe place and continues to be. It literally grounds him, pulls his mind back to earth. Within the first thirty minutes of meeting with our family, the psychologist said that she was confident that she knew exactly what was going on. My son was given a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The psychologist stayed with us for another three whole hours. I cried. We had our answer.

Learning and Re-Learning

The last year has been one big lesson in self-directed learning and re-learning. In an effort to help my son (and, as it turns out, my daughter who-surprise-is also exceptional), I have focused my attention to studying different mechanisms of learning, coping and being. Our household has changed a lot. We use terms like self-regulation, de-escalation and are members of a local Forest School. We are exploring the ways in which different learning theories can help our kids and, of course, we are constantly outdoors.

Today, my son is a highly intelligent, articulate, emotionally attune and passionate three-and-a-half year old. In September, he will be entering kindergarten at a school that is known for its inclusivity. He still attends Forest School and that is his happy place. I am so proud of him.

Free to Roam Wild

At Anastasia Machan, my mission is to help children and their families. As a parent with two children who are exceptional, and one of whom has ADHD, I know how hard it can be to reach out, to survive let alone thrive. Children with exceptionalities often need more: more direction, more mental stimulation, more physical output. By creating this site, I hope to reach out to other parents of exceptional children who may be looking for some guidance, some information…or just a respite from the chaos. Here, I offer articles, tailored one-on-one-tutoring, social skill-building playgroups and educational workshops to help highly active children, their families and caregivers.

"My goal is to offer a space for children to ignite their passion and explore their innate curiosity. It is a safe space where children are seen as exceptional rather than as having being diagnosed with an exceptionality."

It is my hope that this site may provide you with the tools in order to help cultivate your own child's love of learning. With the right tools, we can preserve every child's right to Roam Wild.

#wildchild #adhd #add #childhoodmentlalhealth #childpsychology #psychology #advocacy #motherhood #motherhoodunfiltered #postpartum #postpartumjourney #parenthood #toddler #exceptional #disablity #forestschool #unlearning #alternativelearning #blogger #mommyblogger #ottawa